After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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