maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
