I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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