Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
