I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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