sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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