Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
