This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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