so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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