I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
