he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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