forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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