I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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