I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
