my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
send nudes
from the living room?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
