Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
