Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
