you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
