Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
