We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
the liver wants what the liver wants
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
