No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
