I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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