So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
