I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize