My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
