Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
