I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Im part way to drunk.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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