A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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