I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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