If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize