I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
