She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
