I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
