Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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