pedialite and red bull = repair kit
this boner is exhausting
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
