i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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