Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
