hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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