goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
