I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
