That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
