haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
