BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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