im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
