Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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