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i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
