i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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