i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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