She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
