you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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