i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
