Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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