i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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