God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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