I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
