Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
