Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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