I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
