Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
