I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
