Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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