She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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