I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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